


and all your faults, too

by txtlore



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, open up to yeonjun and his brain freezes, soobin falls asleep on the toilet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:42:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29660535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/txtlore/pseuds/txtlore
Summary: yeonjun tries to comfort soobin in the best way he can
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 1
Kudos: 52





	and all your faults, too

Yeonjun never considered himself a nurturer. As an only child with two doting parents who catered to his every whim, he rarely felt obligated to extend those same affections to another person. Rather, he relished in the attention and developed self-serving habits that stopped him from assuming responsibility for emotions outside of his own. He could sympathize with his group of friends whenever an inconvenience occurred - a failed test or heavy rejections from potential lovers - but he never went beyond muttering the obligatory “sorry to hear that” and quickly shifting the tone of the conversation. Perhaps the sheltered nature of his childhood and adolescence stunted his emotional development entirely. He used to believe he would carry on throughout his life without once feeling responsible for the sentiments of those around him; that he would only ever be able to thoughtfully respond to his own travesties.

Until he met Soobin.

Soobin had everything Yeonjun desperately wished for. He was an open book, able to share the deepest parts of his character with those in his innermost circle. Soobin easily assumed the role of caregiver to those who sought consolation. He radiated warmth and comfort, inexplicably providing stability to turbulent minds or hearts. He always knew what to say, when to say it and how to follow through. To Yeonjun, he was an enigma he spent the better part of their relationship trying to crack. Despite how hard he tried, and he had desperately tried, Yeonjun couldn’t figure out how that switch flipped so easily in Soobin’s brain.

God, how he wished he could switch that flip now.

Soobin’s constancy as a pillar of hope for those around him had been deteriorating in recent weeks. Waves of anxiety and panic-induced meltdowns attacked his waking mind. His body betrayed him even while he mindlessly completed tasks that made up his day. Sheer bouts of panic overtook him as his chest tightened up at the onslaught of pervasive thoughts, his body instinctively doubling over before he had the chance to implement the techniques he found by scrolling through the internet. In the moments he couldn’t shield his mind from tormenting himself, he simply had to take shelter and wait out the storm on his own. These attacks rarely lasted longer than 20 minutes, but counting down the seconds only induced more panic as Soobin’s blood coalesced into pure lead.

Yeonjun had yet to witness one of these attacks and only ever heard about it if Soobin mentioned them in passing later on. Despite his boyfriend’s concern over the fragility of his mental state, Soobin constantly reassured him the attacks shortened in length every time (they didn’t) and that he started looking into therapy (he hadn’t). Soobin’s tongue spat out the lies easily and with little remorse, knowing Yeonjun’s poor emotional intelligence saved him from further interrogation. He saw no point in needlessly worrying those around him and felt no desire to unload his trauma onto a boyfriend who struggled to comfort him even over the simplest things. Sure, Yeonjun had been working on expanding his empathic abilities since the start of their relationship nearly eight months ago, but the transition was slow. Soobin didn’t want to threaten his progress with issues he could work through alone - issues he would work through alone.

But Yeonjun navigated uncharted territory. A chorus of muted whines stirred him from sleep, leading him to believe a phone was going off in the dead of night. He peeled his eyes open and blindly reached out to grasp his phone from the nightstand only to realize there hadn’t been a single notification since he set his phone down. He glanced at the time and internally groaned at the hour: 2:33 am. It would take him a while to comfortably fall back to sleep now that his brain slowly whirred in his skull. Maybe a late-night snack would help. Yeonjun hoisted himself out of bed before his half-asleep mind could persuade him out of the idea. He strode across the room but suspended his movements when his attention was caught by the light leaking out from underneath the bathroom door. Glancing back towards the center of the room, he registered the left side of the bed was empty as well. Immediately, his brows creased in confusion as he stared into the wooden frame. Soobin slept like a freight train - once he was knocked out, only the shrill of his alarm could break the reverie. Most nights his sleep continued without interruption and Yeonjun failed to rack his brain to recall a night of bumping into Soobin during his escapades to the kitchen.

 _He just needs to pee, dumbass_ , Yeonjun rationalized against the gnawing concern swelling in his chest at the irregularity. Before he could convince himself otherwise, Yeonjun made a beeline for the door and gently rapped his knuckles against the wood. No response.

“Soobin,” he tentatively called out and raised his hand once again. “Are you in there?”

The silence intensified and Yeonjun uncomfortably shifted in his spot, rolling back onto the balls of his feet as he awaited an answer from the boy on the other side.

“Come on, did you fall asleep on the toilet or something?” Yeonjun joked with a short laugh, corners of his lips twitching at the image of Soobin unconsciously slumped against the counter with his pants pooled around his ankles. “If you don’t answer I’m coming in.”

His threat hung unanswered in the air for a few moments before Yeonjun grasped the cool metal of the knob and wrenched the door open. Expecting to be greeted with a half-asleep Soobin perched against the sink, Yeonjun was shocked at the sight of his boyfriend cradling himself on the tiled floor. The younger boy managed to lift his head for a few seconds and revealed a tear-stained face that stopped Yeonjun in his tracks.

“Oh my god,” Yeonjun immediately scrambled onto the floor but held himself back from placing a hand on Soobin, maintaining a few inches of space between their bodies. “Are you okay? Do you have a fever? Did you fall?”

Soobin refused to verbally answer the flurry of questions and only shook his head in return. His entire body trembled with a ferocious intensity that only further deepened Yeonjun’s worry as he considered his potential options. One: he could call an ambulance under the assumption Soobin developed a life-threatening illness in the last 24 hours. Two: he could call one of their friends who were probably way better equipped to deal with whatever was going on in front of him.

Either course of action meant Yeonjun would simply be offloading his responsibilities yet again to avoid working through difficult emotions but did he really have a choice? He had been trapped in a cycle of deflection ever since grade school. Of course, he wanted to help Soobin, but he struggled to even gauge the situation in front of him.

“Do you need me to get you something? A warm rag? I can get your mom on the phone, it’s kind of late though I don’t know if she’s going to answer and she will probably ask too many questions ab-“

“Yeonjun, just sit with me. Please.”

Soobin’s request glued Yeonjun to his spot while the cogs slowly shifted in his brain. Yeonjun was backed into a corner for the first time in his life and being forced to address his emotional shortcomings. Every fibre of his being screamed at him to abandon the situation and elect someone else to the position, someone else who could properly deal with the mental torment plaguing Soobin’s mind. His usual half-assed consolatory remarks wouldn’t be enough to alleviate the problem before him and his mind urged him to flee before he caused more harm. Even with every thought in his mind telling him to desert the boy laying on the floor to save himself, Yeonjun found his body naturally edging towards Soobin’s limp figure.

He tentatively reached forward to close the gap separating them and grasped the hand Soobin dangled over his knee. Soobin’s fingers were cold to the touch and Yeonjun quickly used both of his own to envelop the smaller one to distribute some of his body heat. Soobin’s grip on Yeonjun’s hand threatened to crush the bones in his fingers, but Yeonjun dismissed the discomfort and swept his eyes across the boy’s body. He was contorted uncomfortably on the floor and angled slightly in Yeonjun’s direction to maintain his grasp. _Hold him_. Before he could decide against it, Yeonjun tugged on Soobin’s hand to pull him into his body. Soobin slumped against his chest and rested his forehead on Yeonjun’s shoulder while Yeonjun instinctively looped his arms around Soobin’s waist. Their new position did little to alleviate Soobin’s discomfort but Yeonjun thought some physical touch would help.

Soobin’s erratic breathing gradually mellowed out as Yeonjun experimented with a series of back rubbing techniques, mindlessly tracing shapes into the t-shirt he wore. He took advantage of their close position and surveyed Soobin’s face intensely, watching as his brows creased with every laborious breath. The ends of his eyelashes remained damp with remnants from the tears he shed earlier and Yeonjun felt his body convulse at the mental image of Soobin sobbing into his closed fist to weaken the sounds. He didn’t want to wake you, Yeonjun thought and almost felt a wave of tears overtake his own body. Yeonjun had driven his boyfriend to almost complete isolation in his attempts to shield himself from being responsible for the feelings of others. Soobin would rather deal with a series of panic attacks alone in their bathroom than confide in Yeonjun - all to ensure his comfort.

 _It’s okay._ Yeonjun raised his hand to gently sweep underneath Soobin’s eyes to gather the remaining tears. _I’m right here._

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Yeonjun’s question weighed heavily in the air for a few moments as Soobin struggled to string together a suitable response. He didn’t want to put Yeonjun in an even more uncomfortable position than he already was.

“No, not tonight,” Soobin mumbled almost imperceptibly and tilted his head back to finally meet Yeonjun’s eyes for the first time that night. “It’s the same as always.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before that they were this bad?” Yeonjun implored and settled his free hand at Soobin’s nape, running his fingers through the short tufts of hair.

“I didn’t want to bother you. I can deal with it myself, sometimes they’re just a little more… intense, I guess,”

Soobin’s eyes flitted back down to the tiled floor to avoid admitting the realities of his mental state, but Yeonjun promptly hooked his finger beneath his chin to force his gaze upwards again. He stared down at the boy in his arms and tried to wordlessly confirm that he did care about him, that he wanted to be awoken in the dead of night to cradle him to sleep, that he wanted to be for Soobin who Soobin was for everyone else. But he floundered in his own thoughts, opening and closing his mouth with little sound and no substance. Naturally, 21 years of avoidance left him useless in situations where he needed his words the most.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and hooked his arms around Soobin’s waist to draw him further into his grasp. “I’m so sorry. Soobin, I’m right here. I promise.”

Yeonjun knew he couldn’t completely change himself overnight. Secluding himself from assuming responsibility for others festered selfishness that had ruined every previous relationship. He wasn’t at all equipped to deal with emotional outbursts or offer up his innermost secrets. He knew he wasn’t going to wake up tomorrow prepared to challenge the shadows that lurked in Soobin’s brain.

Yet, the feeling of Soobin settling further into his arms as Yeonjun rattled off a series of apologies overwhelmed him with the desire to go to the ends of the Earth to try. For him, Yeonjun was damn sure he would do just about anything.


End file.
